The Comic Misadventures of Gundam Wing and Friends
by Shellie
Summary: The title says most. Charactor bashing, randomness, that sortof stuffs. New chap: Wufei: Secret of the Stuffed Cat. Please read.
1. Hilde's Practical Joke

Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Gundam. Wing. So. Don't. Sue. Me.  
  
Mwah hahaha. Let's see, what do I have to explain?  
  
No new characters so far. I duno about pairings. You'll just have to figure that out. But I don't like yaoi much so don't really expect that. Unless I had too much sugar. LIKE NOW. Nerds rule man.  
  
Warnings: Possible language, content, etc. Insanity. Let it begin:  
  
The Comic Misadventures of GW and Friends  
  
Chap 1: Hilde's Practical Joke  
  
"HIIIIIIIIII HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"It's not 'heeeeee-rooooooooooowwwwwwwww!' It's 'He-ro' with a long e sound!"  
  
"Fine," she said huffily. "HIIIIIIIIIIII HEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOUUU!!" Deciding that resistance is futile, he gave up on Relena and turned to the kitchen. Only to find a half frozen Duo staring into the fridge.  
  
"What are you doing? Trying to catch pneumonia and die?"  
  
"No, it's just that something REALLY REALLY BAD has happened. And for once it wasn't me.." Sensing danger, Heero made for a quick escape.  
  
"Hey guys, what are you doing? You're letting out all the cold air!" Hilde reached in automatically to grab the Eggo waffles, only to grab. nothing.  
  
"HEY WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? Duo did you eat all the waffles?" He pointed to his stomach, the growling saying all. Hilde turned quickly and grabbed Heero by the spandex.  
  
"Heero," she said sweetly, "did you eat all of the Chocolate-chip Eggo waffles?" He swallowed nervously.  
  
"No, I just woke up. Speaking of which-"  
  
"-HI EVERYONE! What exactically did you put in my drink Hilde? Because I've been up all night." Slowly Hilde remembered her little prank last night.  
  
"I didn't put anything in your drink Wuffie, now. HEERO YUY WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY WAFFLES," she said, yanking on the spandex evilly.  
  
"Ow! I didn't do anything, honest! I was asleep the whole. time. HILDE!"  
  
"TIME TO LEAVE, C'MON DUO!" They left, leaving Wufei and Heero to contemplate their revenge. They stared at each other for a second.  
  
"I've got an idea. You know how Duo follows us around glaring to unnerve us?" Wufei nodded obdiently. "Let's do that to him, it'll drive him insane."  
  
"You mean sane.HAHAHAH.I'm okay. Really." They walked into the living room and right past Trowa.  
  
Who happened to be busily building a fort out of couch cusions.  
  
  
  
"I'll beat him, mwah hahaha, yes I will, I'll kick his ass, hahahah," he muttered to himself, neatly arranging a pile of stolen shoes (mostly Relena's heels). He picked up a pair of, you guessed it, stolen binoculars and searched the room for his prey.  
  
"I know where you live Quatre, and I will beat you with these. pink. shoes. whatever they are called. AHA!" Trowa exclaimed, spotting a shock of blond hair peeking out from behind the armchair.  
  
"TROWA!!! I'd like to make a peace offering!" Quatre slowly stood up, ducking the flying heel.  
  
"FINE!" They stood up and walked across the battle lines. Or chalk drawn on carpet. Whichever you prefer.  
  
"So, Trowa." Quatre tried his best to look innocent.  
  
"Quatre."  
  
Too late Trowa realized that one of the blonde's hands was behind his back.  
  
"DIEEEE SUCKA!" Trowa just stared at the huge wet stain on his sweatshirt.  
  
"Ugh, bitch!" Quatre stopped mid-laugh.  
  
"What did you call me?"  
  
"Bitch, what's it to yah?" He raised his one visible eyebrow.  
  
"OH yeah? Well. DIE!!" He squirted more water at Trowa, this time soaking his hair.  
  
"BRING IT ON!" He flipped, rolled and landed in his fort and began launching pumps at Quatre. Quatre swore as he realized that his Supersoaker didn't hold quite enough water to dispel the chunky shoes Hilde usually wore. Whipping out a Nerf gun, he began systematically knocking over the couch cusions. Realizing this, Trowa decided on a new stratagy: Wait for him to run out of foam darts.  
  
"SCREW YOU TROWA, I'LL GET YOU YET!" Quatre ran into the kitchen, his mission to refill the Supersoaker. and possibly pick up a few of the foam darts on the way. Meanwhile, the enemy ran about collecting shoes, and 're- filling' the other empty Supersoaker with a chocolate/maple syrup concoction.  
  
"Mwah hahah, that's what you think, Winner, that's what you think.."  
  
It was at this point that Relena walked into the room again, satisfied with her pronounciation of Heero's name.  
  
"HEY!! Are those my heels? OWCH WATCH IT!! Did I give you permission to hit me Mr. Winner?" Relena fumed in all her chocolaty glory, with various muddy sneakers (Duo's) stuck to her. Not to mention the so called Family Room, which was now also wet, sticky, torn up, and had a shoe in the middle of the TV.  
  
Not wanting all of his clothes pink, Trowa stood up and flagged Quatre down to discuss a truce.  
  
"Well, okay. BUT THAT FREAK THERE MUST GO!"  
  
"Deal!" They shook on it and turned evilly to Relena, who was totally lost in the destruction of her dress. Quatre wiped some syrup under each eye, and signeld for Trowa to surround her.  
  
"Oh my gosh, you guys are so dead once I find Heero! YOU RUINED MY FAVERITE DRESS YOU BASTARDS!! Hey, where'd you go? Trowa? QUATRE?? WHERE ARE YOU GUYS!" Her voice rose to a new level of annoyingness at the maniacal giggling from behind the sofa.  
  
  
  
"I WANT MY EGGO WAFFLES DUO NOW GO OUT THERE AND GET THE KEYS IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE 25!!" 2 houses down, the neighbors reached for the phone.  
  
"YES HILDE, RIGHT AWAY!" Duo peeked through the crack in the door, looking for any sign of Heero or Wufei. Or Wufei's katana. Finding the coast clear, he snuck into the family room.  
  
"What the hell happened here? Oh well, I just need to get those waffles before Hilde blows up the block." Failing to notice the two black-clad figures make off with the keys, he reached the table and grabbed a sticky mess. Wiping off the goo on his sleeve, he saw the pink keychain.  
  
"Goddammit, where the hell are my keys??" He looked around him, spying Trowa and Quatre sneeking about a hysterical Relena. 'I bet they know' he thought.  
  
  
  
"IF YOU TWO ARE TRYING TO GET ME IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!! I CAN CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARDS YOU KNOW, I OWN THE COMPANY!!"  
  
"Don't have one," Trowa snickered. 'Who has use for a credit card when you can just wave a gun at people and get whatever you want?'  
  
"DON'T THINK I DIDN'T HEAR THAT TROWA!! I'LL TAKE ALL OF YOUR GUNS AND I'LL KILL THAT BITCH KAIRI!!"  
  
"Whaa? Whose killing me? MY HOUSE!!" Kairi stared open-mouthed at the ruin before her.  
  
"SCREW YOU RELENA!" The two man army proceded to syrup-and-shoe the Vice Foreign Minister and tie her to the cherry tree outside.  
  
"TROWA BARTON WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?? I CAN'T EVEN LEAVE FOR ORCHESTRA PRACTICE WITHOUT SOMETHING GOING WRONG IN THIS HOUSE! WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU THAT WHORE RELENA WILL LOOK LIKE A STAR COMPARED TO YOU!! I'LL REPLACE YOUR ARM WITH MY GOOD BOW YOU BASTARD!!" She raised her large violin case above her head and began to chase Trowa around the yard screaming various obscenities. Hilde left the reletive safety of her room to observe Trowa's demise, joing Heero and Wufei in the upstairs hallway.  
  
"Guys? What's with the blackness? Halloween's not for another year."  
  
"We're just torturing your boyfriend Duo into telling us what you put in our drinks last night."  
  
"Oh. Let's see, I think I dissolved a box of sleep aids into yours Heero.. And I put some amphetamines I got off of someone at Kairi's school in yours Wuffie. I remember putting something in Quatre's and Trowa's. What was it?" She tapped her cheek thoughtfully as Heero waited for Duo to walk outside.  
  
"I THINK I KNOW!!" Wufei waved his hand energitically.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You put sugar in Trowa's, I heard him muttering about kicking Quatre's ass. And Quatre. well what makes him violent?"  
  
"Beer." Heero said simply. "Hey look there's Duo. Looks like he's seen his car." The once black-and-silver Mustang convertible was now red, orange, blue, green, brown, yellow, silver, black, purple, maroon, and just about every other color under the sun. (Get out your box of 200 Crayola's and list 'em yourself, I'm too lazy) Including the interior.  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL FOR TURNING MY NEW CAR INTO THE MYSTERY MACHINE!! AND I WANT MY KEYS BACK!!" Heero moved over a couple of inches and gave Duo back his keys. And a free trip to the hospital.  
  
"I think you gave him a concussion," Hilde said simply. "That'll teach him for eating my waffles!!"  
  
"Uh Hilde," Wufei began, "you ate them all yesterday. But you got your license revoked on the way to the grocery store." Hilde just looked at him.  
  
"Maybe we should go take him to the hospital," Heero suggested.  
  
They all looked at each other: "Nahh, he'll live. Possibly."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
"TROWA YOU COME BACK HERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!!"  
  
"YOU MEAN A 10 POUND VIOLIN CASE IN MY STOMACH? I DON'T THINK SO!!"  
  
"IT'S NOT TEN POUNDS DUMBASS, IT'S ONLY 9 AND A HALF!! AND THIS STUPID SKIRT!!" Kairi paused in her chase to fix her uniform. 'Being Concertmaster does have some disadvantages.' she thought as she glared at the mud stains.  
  
Unknowingly, Trowa had continued to run around the house, not expecting to run head-on into her around the corner.  
  
"Ouch!!"  
  
"Hi Kairi! How was rehersal?" Trowa didn't move, figuring that as long as the violin case was out of her reach, he had a chance.  
  
"It was fine Trowa. Matt brought this stuffed raccoon on stage, and it was so cute! As a matter of fact, I'm going out with him tonight. SO GET OFF ME SO I CAN GET READY!!"  
  
"YOU chase ME around with that THING because I happened to get into a fight with Quatre and then LO AND BEHOLD, Miss High-and-mighty-God-herself is CHEATING on ME?? I DON'T THINK SO!!" Beneath them both, Duo groaned.  
  
"Who am I again?" They both just stared at Duo for a minute.  
  
"I said, Who am I again?"  
  
"OH MY GOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAVING ME!!" They both looked up sharply as the police pulled the princess off the cherry tree.  
  
"What happened here m'am?" One of the officers pulled out a sheet of paper.  
  
"ARREST THEM ALL!!" She stomped and pointed in their general direction.  
  
  
  
Quatre was arrested on charges of being under the influence; Trowa for being high on unknown substances. Hilde and Duo were locked up for possesion of illegal substances (the amphetamines) and Heero for overdosing and attempted suicide. Kairi was held without bail for attempted manslaughter, and finally Wufei for damaging property.  
  
The neighbors invited Relena over for a party celebrating the arrest of the juvinile deliqunents and general quiet of the block.  
  
THE END.  
  
AN: So? Wachya think? PLEASE REVIEW. flames accepted but it's not like I care. 


	2. How Duo took over the world Part 1

Disclaimer: Y'all know the deal. Please don't make me repeat myself: I DON'T OWN GUNDAM WING!  
  
Shellie: Bob, you have the honors:  
  
Bob: *random cheering in background* Eh-em, *switches to announcer voice* will the owner of the white sedan please remove his car from the football field? License plate number: 376 NT2. Thank you. *bows and leaves*  
  
Shellie: *raises one eyebrow* So anyway.  
  
Bob: *returns* Okay, now I've got the right paper! There's another world inside of me, that you may never see.  
  
Shellie: NO!! THAT'S THE LYRICS TO "WHEN I'M GONE"! I asked for a SUMMERY, not 3 doors down! Gerr.  
  
Bob: *nervous**muttering to self* please don't let her fire me again, please don't let her fire me again *reads* Okay. The authoress is currently under the influence of a very disturbing day at school, the fact that all the snow is melting, and mint chocolate ice cream. Please be aware that this story contains swearing, and strange subject matter. You have been warned. The story is about how Duo takes over the world. I think that about covers it. *sets down paper and leaves*  
  
Shellie: THANK YOU, THERE IS A HIGHER POWER! *begins to type actual story*  
  
  
  
How Duo took over the World  
  
  
  
It was a bright, warm day in December, and the sun shone down beautifully from the heavens. What a totally innocent day.  
  
Not.  
  
The sun sent its blind-evading rays into the bedroom of one Duo Maxwell at precisely 7:50 am. They illuminated a very cute teenage boy tangled in a web of covers, and the only thing visible was face and braid. He moved the covers in front of his face, (inadvertently moving his leg at the same time) to hide from tasks that lay ahead. Until he remembered the one and only thing he was supposed to do today: Practical jokes. Minus the practical.  
  
This and only this brought Duo Maxwell into the world of the living.  
  
Okay and maybe the thought of breakfast.  
  
After showering, the now half-awake braided boy bounced down the steps into the kitchen, where delicious chocolate-chip pancakes awaited him. Which were slowly being devoured by the other four pilots.  
  
"HIYAH BUDDY!!*" He said cheerfully, slapping Wufei hard on the back, causing him to spit out his milk.  
  
"Maxwell," he sputtered, wiping his mouth with a napkin supplied by Quatre, "every single morning you come downstairs and cause me to spit out my milk."  
  
"Yup." Duo said shortly, grabbing a plate and sitting down.  
  
"Can I ask you something?"  
  
"I duno, can you?" Heero rolled his eyes at this routine conversation. Every morning was like this.  
  
Wufei sighed. "WHY??"  
  
"Cuz."  
  
"Cuz why?"  
  
"Cuz," Duo repeated, getting slightly irritated now that his plate was loaded with pancakes and syrup.  
  
"'Cuz' is not an answer, WHY?"  
  
"Fine. BE-cuz." He shoved food into his mouth, while Wufei slowly grew more fed up. Trowa pretended to drop his fork and ducked under the table. Just like every other morning, Heero observed.  
  
"Why do I even bother??" He rolled his eyes skyward and returned to his breakfast. This is where the similarity ended.  
  
~~~5 mins later~~~  
  
"Hey where are the girls?"  
  
"Skiing, snowboarding, whatever it is they do with those inane pieces of fiberglass," Trowa said blankly.  
  
"It's not 'inane', it's fun." Heero said out of the blue. Even he looked a little surprised that he had uttered that one word.  
  
"Hmm. Skiing on no snow, interesting concept.." Quatre said to no one. The distraction: Wufei screaming obscenities at the TV. Seems he can't figure out how to order Pay-per-view. How sad.  
  
"Like so buddy," Duo grabbed the remote from him. "What are you trying to watch?"  
  
"'Panic Room'."  
  
"Ooh, the one with Jodie Foster?? Mmmhmmmm. I approve. Now, it's very very simple. Just scroll down to the movie, and click.. Err." The TV was now displaying the one message that every teenager fears most: (sides 'no subscription') RESTRICTED! Enter four-digit Parental Control code.  
  
"Really now?" Wufei eyed him with overbearing ego as Duo tried about 40 different number combinations. "Not so hot are we?"  
  
"Quiet mortal. I can figure this out. There's only about, 10,000 different codes." The collective groan was heard a mile and a half away, by a lone deer with Nike sneakers slung over its shoulders. (Don't ask)  
  
"So now what?" The Perfect Soldier asked.  
  
"Um, we watch a different movie?"  
  
"GOOD BOY! Remind me to give him a treat, okay Quatre? GOOD TROWA, GOOD BOY!" He choose to ignore Duo's praise and thought of a different movie.  
  
"How about 'The Time Machine'?" Backing out of the screen-from-hell, the Shinegami clicked on the PG-13 movie. And the screen came up again.  
  
"I. Don't. Under. Stand." Duo muttered through gritted teeth, eye twitching in rage.  
  
"GIVE ME THAT! You're not doing it right," Heero snatched the remote from Duo and tried again. And again and again and again, this time picking 'Monster's Inc' and a PG movie. "THIS STUPID PIECE OF SHIT TV CLICKER!!" In a fit of rage, he threw the remote at the TV screen, resulting in the colors being inverted.  
  
"Anger management." Trowa said quietly, cutting through the odd noises from the half-broken set. Heero turned around slowly, sizing the banged-boy up. "Bring it on, wuss-boy."  
  
"Oh it's brung, freak, its brung." Trowa stood up to his full height, towering over a suddenly smaller Heero. They stood there, glaring, for a full 5 mins, until Heero finally blinked. Which sent Trowa into a fit of uncontrolled laughter at the look on the Japanese boys' face.  
  
"DAMN YOU, DAMNYOUDAMNYOUDAMNYOUDAMNYOUDAMNYOU!!"  
  
"Okay, we get the point. LIKE SHUT UP ALREADY!" Wufei said irritably.  
  
"Rawr. Fix the TV Quatre."  
  
"Why me?" The blond Arabian boy spoke from his place in the couch: buried under mountains of pillows.  
  
"I SAID fix the damn TV Quatre. FIX IT! FIX IT NOW!!" Quatre looked around nervously.  
  
"Um, I think I'm stuck."  
  
"OH FOR-"  
  
"-THE LOVE OF PETE!" Kairi said loudly, cutting Heero off.  
  
"I thought you were over him??" Trowa looked up sharply at this news.  
  
"When did I say that?" The girls, namely Noin, Kairi, Relena, Hilde and Sally Po stood in the refurbished family room, dripping snow from there ski's/snowboards.  
  
"About 2 weeks ago I think." Sally held a finger to her cheek thoughtfully.  
  
"I was just saying that you know cuz I was all pissed off at him for like that whole lunch-room incident."  
  
"Riiiiight," the girls said collectively, dissolving into giggles.  
  
"WHO THE FUCK IS PETE??"  
  
"Pete is, Pete is, well, Pete's kind of hard to explain."  
  
"WELL YOU'D BETTER COME UP WITH SOMETHING BECAUSE.." An enraged Trowa did his best to tower over Kairi, which was futile because they were the same height.  
  
"You see, Pete is a rabid elf who plays the Pillsbury Dough Boy on TV, his alter ego is David Letterman and he resembles Heero Yuy."  
  
"You made that up didn't you?"  
  
"Yes-" Trowa slowly turned towards Heero.  
  
"You're Pete aren't you? AREN'T YOU??" Heero gave him the most confused look ever. "I KNEW IT!!" Trowa ran off into his room and slammed the door. A moment of silence followed.  
  
"Right. So anyway," Hilde continued. The girls wandered off into the kitchen to discuss girl things, while Quatre attempted to make peace with Trowa, Heero and Wufei went off to teach Heero sword fighting. And Duo was left all by his lonesome.  
  
"How does this always happen? Better go get my list of Things to Do when No One is Around." Returning with his list, the always-prepared Shinegami sat down on the couch to read:  
  
Duo Maxwell's' List of Things to Do when No One is Around  
  
1) Abolish sliced bread*.  
  
2) See how many things you can burn without anyone noticing.  
  
3) Find all of the old Easter eggs. Take necessary precautions.  
  
4) Find that damned deer with Duo's Nike's!  
  
5) Take over the world and make Red: go Yellow: stop Green: slow down without telling anybody. Then fine people randomly for running lights.  
  
Duo mentally ran over the list so far. 'Abolishing sliced bread, too much work. Burn things? Been there, done that. Find old Easter eggs? Done. That damned deer! Impossible. Take over world? Simple enough..'  
  
And so the mayhem began.  
  
  
  
Shellie: Hey so you like so far?  
  
Kate: No.  
  
Shellie: *evil glare*  
  
ChibiDuo: HYPERHYPERHYPER! *bouncing off wall with each 'hyper'*  
  
Shellie: HEHEHE.ain't he cute?  
  
Nicole: *handcuffed and chained to wall* No. someone get one of those invisible fence collars!  
  
Bob: So where's my money?  
  
Kate: Everyone hates you.  
  
ChibiDuo: HYPERHYPERHYPER!  
  
Nicole: DOG COLLAR, NOW!  
  
Dad: UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER, PRONTO!  
  
Mom: CLEAN YOUR ROOM AND CHIPS CAGE! Did you do your homework yet?? YOU'LL FLUNK 9TH GRADE IF YOU DON'T!!  
  
Dog: WOOF WOOF WOOFFFFFFF!!  
  
Shellie: AHHHHHH MAKE IT STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP WAAAAAAAAAH!! *runs into room and watches Simpson's*  
  
*Inside jokes.  
  
Shellie: Please review. It will make my life so much saner.  
  
Kate: Your string snapped in the middle of the concert and EVERYONE heard it! GO BUY MORE STRINGS!! Only 44 bucks a piece, and you only need 4!!  
  
Shellie: *sniff* Don't worry, there's more to come to this story. -.^ 


	3. How Duo took over the world Part 2

Yo. I am back. BWAH HAHA. Okay no more. Can't wait until x-miss..gonna die.neway. Lots more story to this. Why? Because my parents are upstairs hiding from my insanely loud punk Christmas songs that I'm randomly downloading.  
  
Bob: She does not own Gundam Wing, but she did get all her Gundam Wing mangas back from her friend.  
  
ChibiDuo: Bored. So Very Bored. *hunts for x-miss candy* Oh yeah. Please read and review. Or just review.  
  
Nicole: SEND INVISIBLE FENCE SYSTEM ASAP!  
  
I retyped this because I didn't have time to reread it like I usually do before I upload, which is why it sucked before. Thanks to all those who review!! &-.^&-me and my damned curly hair  
  
How Duo took over the World: Part 2  
  
  
  
The Shinigami took out another piece of paper and a pen and began making a list of supplies. After scribbling out "Quatre Raberba Winner" at the top in black pen.  
  
List of Supplies:  
  
1. Really cool car.  
  
2. Weapons. Lots of weapons.  
  
3. Relena. *shudder*  
  
'The second one's easy: Heero had enough weapons to take over 3 worlds. But finding them would be a bit of a challenge.a really cool car? Quatre had 20. He wouldn't miss one.or three.or seventy. However, getting Relena to cooperate.hmmm. she was mega important and mega bitchy. Damn her. Why do all of my evil schemes involve that whore? Ah well, time to think.' Grabbing the clicker, Duo flipped channels randomly. Finally, it landed on Cartoon Network, home of the only anime shows in America. (I have 800 channels, I'm pretty sure it's the only one) 'Ooh G Gundam.KICK HIS ASS DOMON!!' Slipping off into his 'plotting mode', Duo began to formulate the beginnings of the biggest cue in history.  
  
Standing up suddenly, Duo began to put his magnificent plan into action.  
  
~~~At Relena's Pink Palace(barf)~~~  
  
Duo stood at the entrance to the mansion, pondering if boredom was really worth all this.  
  
Of course, if his plan worked he'd never be bored again.  
  
Making up his mind, the Shinigami entered the great hall. Ignoring the butler, he skipped up the stairs to the source of the screeching. The overgrown flamingo could be found yelling at one of her staff members, apparently because her sandwich was 'cold'.  
  
"HI RELENA!" The puffy pink pacifist spun and stared.  
  
"What is it Duo?" She said through gritted teeth, resisting the urge to throw the stupid sandwich at him.  
  
"Everybody's off doing somefink." he faked a sad face. "and I'm REALLY BORED. Would you play a game with me?" Chibi eyes.  
  
Her initial reaction was: NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!! Of course, she then remembered what sorts of things Duo would do on his own. Not good. Heero would kill her, not to mention the havoc reeked on the world. Oh, if only she knew..if only she knew.  
  
"For the sake of the Earth Sphere, yes I will play ONE GAME with you. One and only ONE!" Cursing under her breath, Relena followed the happy little maniac into the next room, leaving the servant to clean up the objects that had been thrown at him.  
  
"Hey Duo, maybe not this room. It's full of REALLY EXPENSIVE computers.." The last thing she needed was a bunch of expensive consoles ruined. 'Even though I could just empty out that pool of dimes I have.'  
  
"Nope. This rooms' perfect! C'mon!" He pulled her, reluctantly, over to one of the consoles.  
  
"Okay here's the rules:" He held up one finger (no not that one!) and began listing.  
  
"1) Duo is always right.  
  
2) If Duo is wrong, refer to rule number 1.  
  
3) These rules are not meant to be broken." Now finished booting, the computer gave a happy squeak and opened to the desktop.  
  
Relena stared at him in dismay. She feared for her safety as he leaned over the keyboard. He opened Microsoft Word v4.76435(yes I suppose they might be around in the future*ponders*) and inserted a disk. 'Always be prepared, I shoulda been a boy scout.' A large document popped up. Her eyes widened at the size of the font.  
  
"What is this? And can't you make the font bigger? What kind of game is this? Duo? ANSWER MY QUESTION! Fine be that way, but I can't read anything!" She took the pen he handed her.  
  
"That's the point." he muttered. Clicking the print button, he watched the high-speed printer. As each page came off, he handed it to her, pointed to where she needed to sign and placed in a neat pile.  
  
"NANI??" She practically screamed after the 20th page.  
  
"Patience my dear queen, patience."  
  
~~~3 hours later~~~  
  
"Okay done." He placed the last page (the 75th) on top of the pile and stapled it.  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Nope," he said, spying one she'd missed.  
  
"Damn." Her eye twitched uncontrollably at this news.  
  
"Just sign here.." He pointed at the dotted line.  
  
"DUO ARE WE DONE YET???" Relena pulled on her (insert nice adjective here I can't bring myself to do it) hair out of frustration.  
  
"Just one more line.. And THERE! Now we're done." He grinned widely. Feeling the need to scream, she ran out of the room, failing to notice the last line she had signed.  
  
"Wow that was almost too easy." He picked up the phone.  
  
~~~Another damned time lapse. Stay with me here~~~  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen the girls were having a karaoke contest. A very loud, drunken karaoke contest.  
  
lyrics  
  
I'm my second drink  
  
But I had a few before  
  
"YEAH YOU DID!" Hilde raised her bottle up to Noin, who was currently dancing on the counter and trying to sing.  
  
I'm trying hard to think  
  
And I think that I want you on the floor  
  
"GO GET 'EM NOIN!" At this point, Kairi left in search of a video camera..'Blackmail footage, MWAH HAHA!'  
  
Uh-huh, yeah on the floor  
  
C'mon and take it off  
  
You better take it off baby for me  
  
C'mon and brake me off  
  
Cuz I get what I want and I like what I see  
  
You got a 1, 2, 3  
  
Stop staring at my D cup  
  
And Kairi returned, remembering that she didn't own one, just as Sally threw a ski pole to Noin as a microphone.  
  
Don't waste time just give it to me  
  
C'mon baby just fill me up  
  
C'mon just fill me up  
  
C'mon and take it off  
  
You better take it off baby for me  
  
C'mon and brake me off  
  
Cuz I get what I want and I like what I see  
  
"Hey, where's Duo? He HAS to see this! He'd die of laughter!"  
  
"Duo? I dunno, I didn't see him. Hic-cup."  
  
"I still don't see how you can get drunk off of Mountain Dew."  
  
"It's an art stupid. HAHAHAHAHA.whoot.whoot."  
  
Forget the application  
  
You're the rocker for the test  
  
Let me take you on vacation  
  
Just do it you don't have to ask  
  
C'mon and take it off  
  
You better take it off baby for me  
  
C'mon and brake me off  
  
Cuz I get what I want and I like what I see  
  
Take it off  
  
Take it off baby for me  
  
Take it off  
  
Take it off baby for me  
  
"THANK YOU, HAHA, THANK YOU BERRY LUNCH!" Noin jumped off into the *crowd* of three, attempting crowd surfing. And anyone who's ever been to a rock concert knows: IT TAKES MORE THAN 3 PEOPLE. *snicker* The tangled mess of girls, hair, and spilled beer slowly dispersed into a conga line. Who knows why.  
  
"TROWAAAAAA DON'T YOU DAAAAAAAREEEEEE! *thud* owwwwwwwww." The procession stopped at Quatre rained down from the heavens, punishing all those who had had too much.  
  
"Hey Quatre? Some people would greatly appreciate it if you removed your elbow from my BOOB!! THANKS A BUNCH OF GRAPES!"  
  
"Sorry Kairi.uhh..yeah. What are you guys doing?" They collectively shrugged. Quatre just rolled his eyes at the mess in the kitchen.  
  
"Right."  
  
"Hi." Trowa mysteriously appeared, pulled Kairi out from the wreckage and slung her over his shoulder. "Let's go to the movies, Miss-first-parental- controls-then-cheating-now-drunk-stupid! I'm thinking, 8 Mile."  
  
"YAYYYYYYY!" The collective cheer of Hilde, Noin and Sally had nothing against Kairi's dinner-plate eyes. They all piled into the car (after collecting Heero and a sweaty Wufei from the yard) and drove out. Big car.  
  
~~~Somewhere in New York City~~~  
  
He rechecked his hair in the mirror. Not one strand must be out of place, the media would have a field day. Not something he needed at his first press conference. He turned at the sound of a knock.  
  
"Sir?" A shock of red hair and closed eyes peaked in.  
  
"Yeah I'm decent." The attendant opened his eyes and bowed. He held up five fingers and motioned for him to follow him. "Lock and load," he muttered to himself.  
  
Peeking out of a window, he could see the crowds of reporters, cameramen/women, and general spectators intermingled with various politicians. Almost half were speaking into large microphones, or holding pieces to their eyes. The attendant tapped him lightly on the shoulder to bring him back. Clearing his throat, he stepped out into the light.  
  
"Hello everyone, and welcome to New York! I'd just like to say this, as new ruler of the Earth Sphere, SCHOOL HAS BEEN CANCELLED!" At least ten interns stood up and screamed before their boss dragged them back down. "Uhh, yeah, so, go out and get drunk everyone!!" He raised a bottle of Coors and walked off stage. 'I love being a menace to the population, but this is on a much bigger scale. I should use bigger words to confuse them.' He sent the attendant off to find a dictionary and took a big swig.  
  
"Um sir?" A young girl with brown hair walked up to him.  
  
"Yeah?" He bent down to face her.  
  
"Why'd you take my grand-daddy's job?" Duo suddenly recognized the child.  
  
"Cuz I can, but don't worry I'll give it back. Oh and don't drink and drive!" He winked and walked away.  
  
"Daddy?" The former President of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation turned to his granddaughter. "Where do you keep the car keys?"  
  
He messed up her hair playfully and began to walk away. "That's not important, hon. What's important is that you don't listen to that bastard over there."  
  
"I HEARD THAT YOU WASHED UP SONAFOBITCH!" The former President of the Earth Sphere Unified Nation (damn that's long) looked down at his daughter in astonishment at her next words:  
  
"OOOH MY GRANDPA'S A WASHED UP SONAFOBITCH I'M GONNA TELL GRANDMA!!" She ran off shrieking gleefully. Duo just smirked to himself and flew to Time's Square to see how many people could get traffic tickets in five mins.  
  
~~~At a red light~~~  
  
*siren*  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Airplane," Sally answered gleefully, pressing her face against the glass. Trowa just rolled his eyes and focused on the light.  
  
"Remind me again why we're here?" Wufei turned to Heero.  
  
"Because we want to see 8 Mile and be unbored."  
  
"Is that a word?"  
  
"Probably not." They returned to staring at the girls, who were blatantly trying to fix their hair in the reflections off the windows.  
  
A very thick sounding man came on the radio: "THIS JUST IN, APPARENTLY RELENA PEACECRAFT HAS TURNED THE WORLD OVER TO DUO MAXWELL!! WHO HAS RECENTLY CHANGED SOME OF THE TRAFFIC LAWS!! WE ARE STILL WORKING ON THIS BREAKING STORY, STAY TUNED FOR MORE INFO!" Everyone had frozen at the name 'Duo Maxwell', and was slowly letting out a breath. They collectively turned towards Heero (yes even Trowa who was driving).  
  
"Give me a phone. We've got to stop this NOW!" Wufei slapped his flip-phone into his hand (think T-Mobile Commercial). The siren grew louder, and cars were trying to get out of the way.  
  
"Trowa. try driving?"  
  
"What?" Kairi, climbing over the seat, slammed her foot on the gas, sending them skyrocketing into the intersection.  
  
"KAIIIIIIRIIIIIIII!"  
  
"KAIIIIIRIIIIII!! Oh. I knew that. I sooo knew that."  
  
"GET YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS!"  
  
"Fine. There? Happy."  
  
"And I thought Duo was bad when he was drunk.." Heero said slowly, tightening his seatbelt in preparation for a repeat experiment.  
  
"And you know what the worst part is," Trowa said, after getting the SUV under control. "she's not even drunk. She's just hyper." As if on cue, she dissolved into giggles.  
  
"Quatre you can wake up now. QUATRE!" Noin shook an unconscious Quatre until he fell out of the seat.  
  
"OMG, YOU KILLED QUATRE!" Kairi grinned crookedly and said something incomprehensible. Only Heero understood, because of course: When Kairi is hyper, she reverts to her natural language of Michelle-speak. A mix of English, Japanese and nonsense.  
  
"SHUT UPPPPPP!" The car fell silent as Heero looked at each of them in turn.  
  
"Thank you. DUO!!!" Heero practically screamed into the phone (imagine if you will, it's quite hilarious). "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!! ARE YOU INSANE???? YOU TOOK OVER THE WORLD?? *pause* Alright. BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT CHANGING THE TRAFFIC LAWS??? *pause* Oh. Really? 50%? Sweet. Send it too-" Catching a glare from Wufei, Heero got back to the point. "THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT, YOU GIVE THE WORLD RIGHT BACK THIS INSTANT!! *click* What??"  
  
"Nothing, you're just breathing really hard and you were screaming and everything and um yeah. Hehe," Kairi said in a high squeaky voice. Heero blinked repetitively, shook his head and gave Wufei his phone. He motioned that they could talk.  
  
"THIS JUST IN: THE WORLD HAS BEEN GIVING BACK TO ITS PROPER OWNERS AND SUCH, AND ALL OF THE LAWS CHANGED HAVE RETURNED TO NORMAL.HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE, BE YOU JEWISH, CHRISTIAN OR WHATEVER! You too can buy your Shinigami shrines at your local Wal-Mart store." A helicopter swung by as this news sunk in.  
  
It was the middle of November.  
  
~~~After the movie(and everyone is scarred because eminem and that girl *mental lapse* had sex)~~~  
  
"I'm telling you, it reminds me of Duo and Hilde! You too screw just like rabbits!"  
  
"NOIN!! COME BACK HERE," Hilde screeched. The two ran into the house, failing to notice the helicopter parked in the yard. However, the rest did. Loud music (think offspring) was blasting as the door opened and a red carpet rolled out.  
  
"Hello, my loyal minions. Duo has arrived." He stepped out of the helicopter, dressed in flowing black robes, complete with large, sharp scythe. They just looked at him.  
  
"Let's NEVER do this again." They nodded collectively and followed a skipping Kairi into the house.  
  
  
  
Shellie: WHOOT WHOOT THE END!! Hey, DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING I TYPE HERE PEOPLES, BE GOOD CHILDREN!! Although, that lump of coal could turn into a diamond if you sit on it long enough *ponders how long she'd have to sit*  
  
Nicole: The torture is over. You're such bad influence.  
  
Bob: 1 DAY TILL CHRISTMAS!  
  
Shellie: 3 DAYS TILL CRUISE! And thank's a bunch. *bows*  
  
ChibiDuo: We all hate you for that. WE WANNA GO ON CRUISE TOO!  
  
Shellie: Uhh.um.NO! Neway. Don't expect anything from me until after New Year's folks. Also:  
  
HAPPY HANUKAH (sp?), CHRISTMAS, KWANZAA, NEW YEARS AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF!! See ya on the other side of the calendar! Be good, review. pwease?? Yay. K bye. 


	4. The Elusive Heero Yuy how Duo got beat u...

Disclaimer: really is this necessary anymore? Cuz if the owners of Gundam Wing wanted to write another story, I believe they would make a manga or somefink. I'm serious. *no one takes me seriously*  
  
Duo: And we wonder why?  
  
Heero: *hacked into school camera system; plays tape from lunch room*  
  
*cuts to scene from B lunch last semester: can be seen attempting to count change.multiple times*  
  
*cuts to scene from C lunch last semester: can be seen spilling coke everywhere, then watching it drip through crack in table*  
  
*cuts to scene from A lunch last semester--*  
  
Enough! On to story!  
  
Trowa: *snicker* HAH LOOK SHE FELL UP THE STAIRS!!  
  
But. that was a mall in Toronto. how did you. you know what? I don't want to know.  
  
*actions/noises*  
  
[Narrative]  
  
/camera changes/  
  
Name:: voices  
  
Chappy # 4: The Elusive Heero Yuy(how Duo got beat up)  
  
  
  
January 27, A.C. 198  
  
/close up of Duo's face, appears tired/  
  
*whispers*  
  
Duo:: It's 3 am in the morning, and I am awake. What is wrong with this picture? Ah, but I am a slave for-ACK NOOO!!  
  
*bashes head against wall; shouts from Wufei's room can be heard*  
  
*blinks owlishly; large bruise forming on side of head*  
  
Duo:: I'm okay. Just in pain. Anyway, today's film-if you can call it 'today'-stars the elusive Heero Yuy! Yes, a very rare creature, so rare in fact there was only one other in existence. But he died. With the help of my trusty camera (property of Quatre Raberba Winner), and my stealth skills, we shall follow (shall *snort*) this rare creature and see what he does on a daily basis. Non-mission daily basis, we all know what he does on those days.  
  
/camera zooms out, revealing Duo in all black with black lines under eyes/  
  
/cuts to Night Vision image, angle from above, focuses on green blob surrounding by darker green/  
  
[If you look closely, you can just make out Heero Yuy's foot. a very dangerous foot if you think about it. It's now 3:59 am, and he will be waking up momentarily..]  
  
*alarm clock changes to 4:00 am; beeping noise ensues; hand emerges slowly from covers, picks up hammer and bashes alarm clock repetitively; hand retreats; moaning; muffled Japanese can be heard; green blob slowly sits up, feet hanging off bed*  
  
Heero:: kuso..  
  
*scratches head confusedly*  
  
Heero:: what time is it?  
  
*looks at alarm clock; reads 12:89 pm; making odd squeaking noise; picks up hammer and hits again*  
  
Heero:: damn alarm clock.  
  
*gets up and turns on light*  
  
/camera switches to regular vision/  
  
*Heero can be seen in boxers and nothing else.(drool)/  
  
[Yuy's don't appear to be very graceful in the morning, thus explains the clean room. They don't like stubbing their toes, their feet are sensitive. Very, very sensitive.]  
  
/zooms on Heero's face/  
  
*making a total mess of room*  
  
Heero:: where the hells my spandex? And why's Wufei's.dirty.underwear?? DUO!!!  
  
[Oh yes, the traditional wake-up practical joke. Of course, Heero always seems to be on the ass-end of these things.]  
  
*snickers; Heero can be seen stalking out of room; scuffling noises are heard*  
  
/cuts to image of Duo's room from above; seen through vent covering/  
  
*Heero is at door, slowly opening it in case of booby traps*  
  
[Now I know what you're thinking: Duo's been caught! Nope, not quite. I carefully planned for this by studying 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'. If you've seen that movie, than you know the trick. If not, explanation:  
  
[First, buy a mannequin and a length of rope. Then, position the mannequin so that the dummy is on its back. Set up the rope so that when the door is opened, a weight pulls down on it causing the dummy to roll over. Make sure to cover the mannequin with blankets so that only the hair shows, in which case I have braided. Add a tape of yourself sleeping, and watch.]  
  
*soft snoring can be heard; braid poking out from bed covers; weight pulling on rope causing dummy to roll onto it's side; Heero can be seen sticking head through door*  
  
Heero:: Hn. Bakayo.  
  
*slams door; begins to walk back to room*  
  
*pauses; enters room avoiding carefully placed piles (avoiding cord and weight); hand pauses over bed covers; thoughtful look on face*  
  
[And in case he actually ventured into my room, I told him I slept in the nude. Hehe.]  
  
*removes hand; leaves room; slams door*  
  
Heero:: Not worth it.  
  
/camera cuts to Wufei's room, Wufei sleeping with. a stuffed cat?? Dear god./  
  
*walks into Wufei's room, loud snoring can be heard; turns on light*  
  
Wufei:: mmm. MAX-err Yuy?  
  
*hides stuffed cat*  
  
Heero:: Hn. Duo switched our clothes.  
  
*grabs stuff from Wufei's drawers and leaves; Wufei bright red, blinking in light*  
  
/camera cuts to image of Heero entering room again/  
  
[Heero has recently taken a shower. which I also have a tape of. but it's not appropriate for TV.. Eh em. Hello.]  
  
/zooms in on Heero removing towel from waist; black line appears in said spot/  
  
[HOLY SHIT! Erm.]  
  
*shot of Heero dressing (yeah.let's watch this part again); he soon leaves room*  
  
/camera cuts to shot of Duo on ground, dusty and red faced in Heero's room/  
  
[Now that, was must see TV. And on to our next portion: Hunting!]  
  
/cuts to scene in kitchen/  
  
[It's now 4:43 am, and we see Heero surveying the plains(cabinets), looking for any source of food available. My research tells me that Yuy's are picky eaters, and prefer a hot meal in the morning. Let's see how he does with cooking, something no one has been able to catch on tape before, let alone see.]  
  
*Heero can be seen pulling flour and other various ingredients out, placing them in a large bowl; the ingredients are mixed with chocolate chips*  
  
[Gasp! Is that what I think that is? Chocolate! So that's where-apparently Heero has a secret taste for MY chocolate. It also appears that Heero knows how to make pancakes from scratch. No wonder he gets up so early, to hide the evidence!]  
  
*bowl and pan being placed into dishwasher; sits down at table to eat just as Quatre walks in*  
  
Heero:: Ohaiyogozaimasu.  
  
Quatre:: Um, good morning?  
  
*nods; Quatre walks over to cabinet and pulls out box of Pop tarts*  
  
Quatre:: Did you make those?  
  
Heero:: No. Frozen.  
  
Quatre:: Didn't know they made frozen pancakes..  
  
Heero:: Omae o korusu.  
  
*Kairi, Hilde, Noin, Sally Po and Relena enter room*  
  
Kairi:: MWAH HAHAHA! You shall suffer the fate of Inuyasha!  
  
Hilde:: Cept where are we going to get a magic arrow?  
  
Noin:: I duno. I say breakfast first.  
  
*they sit down at table, chibified; Relena dressed like Inuyasha with tape around wrists; stare at Quatre*  
  
Quatre:: What?  
  
Heero:: I believe they want you to cook them something.  
  
*places dishes in dishwasher, leaves*  
  
[Hmm. Not bad for such a young Heero. Although I wonder about the girls.. And now, since we already know what he does all day, we must go cover my ass.]  
  
/cut to Duo's bedroom, mannequin and rope set up removed/  
  
*door opens; Heero and Wufei enter*  
  
Heero:: DUO MAXWELL!  
  
*groans and sits up slightly; from our angle flashlight can be seen dropped off side of bed*  
  
Wufei:: YOU DISHONORABLE-  
  
Heero:: BAKAYO!!  
  
*lies face down on pillow*  
  
Heero:: Are you even listening?  
  
*pulls covers back to waist*  
  
Wufei:: AHHH HE REALLY DOES SLEEP IN THE NUDE!  
  
*covers replaced*  
  
Heero:: Don't even try that whole 'I'm sick leave me alone' routine.  
  
*mumbling*  
  
Duo:: But I am sick.  
  
Wufei:: Yeah, right.  
  
*places hand on forehead; looks down throat*  
  
Wufei:: Maybe he is sick. What do you think Yuy?  
  
*Heero examines*  
  
Heero:: Yeah I guess. Let's go before we catch it.  
  
*they leave*  
  
Duo:: Hehehehe. Now who's the baka, Heero?  
  
*holds up flashlight and lollipop stick triumphantly; places tablet in mouth*  
  
Duo:: Now for faze 2.  
  
*they return holding a thermometer; place in mouth*  
  
Wufei:: Don't even try the old flashlight trick, we know this one works right.  
  
Heero:: We tried it on Trowa.  
  
*Trowa can be heard shouting downstairs*  
  
*they remove thermometer*  
  
Wufei:: 102.4  
  
Heero:: Maybe, he really is sick.  
  
*Wufei and Heero exchange look; shrug and leave*  
  
Duo:: Please tell me they washed that!  
  
*makes spitting noise*  
  
/camera cuts to screen shot of Heero's computer/  
  
[I believe these images can explain themselves. I love technology.]  
  
*fingers cord used to transmit image to camera*  
  
*image of an anime site pops up; Digimon; can be seen clicking on info*  
  
[Di-dig-Digimon?? What the hell? Okay yes he's Japanese, but Digimon is a kid's show! Oh this is embarrassing. HAHAHA!]  
  
*more anime sites pop up, accompanied with the occasional porno site*  
  
[Well, well, well. Tsk tsk tsk.]  
  
/camera cuts to image of Duo sitting in his room, fully clothed again/  
  
Duo:: Heero. Is very strange. Yeah, I'll leave it at that.  
  
*spins in chair and returns to computer screen*  
  
/camera cuts to image of outdoor pool/hot tub/  
  
[Heero is getting ready to go in the pool, or hot tub. My sources tell me that Yuy's are fond of hot water; and my sources also tell me that Kairi is planning something devious. We'll get the in-depth scoop on Kairi on a later episode. Ah, here comes our little Yuy now.]  
  
*Heero can be seen entering the pool area, wearing green swim trunks and carrying a towel*  
  
[Green appears to be Heero's favorite color; I don't think I've seen him without it. Strange kid, no?]  
  
*he bends down and starts the jets, slowly gets into hot tub*  
  
[Is he putting on sun glasses? Interesting. Heero seems to be completely oblivious to myself, the camera, AND the ninja's sneaking around with black. bazookas? It seems Kairi's evil plot is unfolding; a perfect opportunity to watch Heero's defense capabilities.]  
  
/camera zooms out, flashes of black can be seen in the bushes/  
  
*complete silence; broken by the sound of a bird cawing*  
  
*Bazooka's leveled at Heero; war cries are heard as Heero is shot*  
  
Heero:: AHHH!! NANI??  
  
Ninja's:: OMAE O KOROSU!!!  
  
[Do Ninja's have war cries? Maybe I should ask Wufei, who we will also be seeing in a later episode. Will we learn the secret of the stuffed cat? I think so.]  
  
*Heero stands up, covered in what appears to be watered down syrup; screaming incoherently*  
  
Ninja 1:: HAHAHAHAHA!! There's your just dessert, Hee-chan!  
  
Heero: NANI..  
  
Ninja 2:: It's just watered down chocolate syrup, Heee-chaaann!  
  
Heero:: Chocolate syrup?? WHO ARE YOU?  
  
Ninja 3:: I DUNO, O ABOMINABLE SYRUP MONSTER!  
  
*they squirt Heero again; he gets out of hot tub, chases after Ninja's*  
  
/cut to scene inside bedroom again/  
  
*door slams open; chocolate covered Heero in doorway*  
  
Heero:: YOU!!  
  
Duo:: Eh?  
  
*sits up and stares*  
  
Duo:: I must be delirious.a chocolate covered Heero. Hmm.  
  
*Heero points; slowly walking into room*  
  
Heero:: YOU!! YOU PLANNED THIS DIDN'T YOU?? I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING IT ALL ALONG!!  
  
*standing in front of Duo; catches drop of chocolate and tastes*  
  
Duo:: Blegh, you taste funny.  
  
*his eye twitches uncontrollably*  
  
Duo:: You're getting chocolate on my stuff.  
  
Heero:: I DON'T CARE!! IT'S YOUR FAULT TO BEGIN WITH!!  
  
*Kairi walks in, squirt gun behind back*  
  
Kairi:: Oh my god, Heero what happened to you? And why are you bothering poor Duo? He's sick!  
  
*Heero turns slowly and sizes her up*  
  
Kairi:: It's a shame, a real shame.  
  
*whips out squirt gun, aims and fires water at Heero*  
  
Kairi:: Take a shower, sheesh!  
  
*she runs out, laughing hysterically*  
  
Heero:: If I find out you're behind this, OMAE O KOROSU!!  
  
Duo:: Kay.  
  
*rolls over and pretends to sleep; he exits screaming about onnas*  
  
*opens eyes*  
  
Duo:: Oh, he did kill me!  
  
*burst into laughter*  
  
/cuts to image of Duo at computer again, fully clothed and breathing heavily/  
  
Duo:: Look what he did to my room! Oh well. Sadly, we have only one more segment to get through, and then it's OVER! Tis a shame, really.  
  
*shakes head; spins around in chair again*  
  
/camera cuts to scene of Heero's bedroom in dark, TV is on and DVD being loaded into disk drive/  
  
[I wonder what movie he's going to watch, as long as it's not some anime in Japanese.]  
  
*Japanese appears on screen*  
  
[Damn! Unless you can read/speak Japanese, I think we're SOL. Well, at least we know what he does when he's up in his room at night..]  
  
*loud creaking noises can be heard; Heero looks up at ceiling*  
  
Duo:: AHHH! Oof. Hi Heero.  
  
*Duo unceremoniously falls onto bed along with camera next to a confused Heero*  
  
Heero:: Umm, hi.  
  
Duo:: I'm gonna go now.  
  
Heero:: Hey, I thought you were sick.  
  
*Heero appears at doorway, blocking exit*  
  
Duo:: I was, and then I was better. But now I feel sick so I should leave before I puke on your floor.  
  
*attempts to push past Heero*  
  
Heero:: What's that?  
  
Duo:: A GROWTH!! NOW MOVE!!  
  
*pushes past Heero, runs into other room; quickly removes tape*  
  
Heero:: Give me that baka!  
  
*grabs camera, smashes on ground; does not see camera filming in corner*  
  
Heero:: What was on that?  
  
Duo:: Nothing.  
  
Heero:: Really? Cuz I'd run if I were you. Very, very fast.  
  
Duo:: Eep!!  
  
*they take off running*  
  
/camera cuts to image of Duo covered in bruises and cuts/  
  
Duo:: Ow. Well, next weeks episode-after I get another camera and my fingers work again- we shall investigate. um. Well, why don't you place your vote? Your choices are:  
  
Quatre  
  
Wufei  
  
Trowa  
  
Kairi  
  
Hilde  
  
Yeah so that's it.  
  
/image fades to black/  
  
END  
  
Yeah! I finished! After 4 hours!! WHOOT WHOOT! Please review! I like fire, but beware.  
  
Duo: Like I said, just pick somebody.  
  
Like you?  
  
Duo: No, I'm off limits.  
  
Sure.  
  
Heero: Gerr. Give me the kuso camera!  
  
Duo: Help me I can't run!!  
  
Bob: *innocent look on face* Sure. *picks up Duo and deposits him in front of Heero* Shoot away. 


	5. Wufei: Secret of the Stuffed Cat

Disclaimer: OH, COME ON! I don't own anything a regular 14-year-old shouldn't, okay?? YAY! I'm glad we have an understanding. Okay, I own clones of just about every anime character ever. But that's different. I borrowed 'Skitty' from someone. I do not own that name, or Pupie. But Sevil and Kat are mine! And Kairi's mine, too.  
  
*drags Trowa, Duo, Heero, Wufei, and Quatre clones out of closet*  
  
Trowa: Hey I found your toe socks, and a. Dress! *all gasp because I own a dress*  
  
BEEN LOOKING FOR THESE! I got them for my b-day like.3 months ago? Burn the dress, Bob. *laughs maniacally*  
  
K On to story. Wait. I must thank all reviewers! I FEEL LOVED!!! I'd like to thank. the reviewers, Microsoft Word 2002, Fanfiction.net, and Earthlink Total Access!!! And since I got 3 votes for Wufei, here it is. Bah, must let dog in first. Back.  
  
*actions/noises*  
  
[Narrative]  
  
/camera changes/  
  
Name:: voices  
  
Chappy # 5 Wufei: The Secret of the Stuffed Cat  
  
  
  
January 30, A.C. 198  
  
/shot of Duo in pajamas, clutching aforementioned stuffed cat/  
  
Duo:: Yes folks, here it is, in all its polyester glory. WUFEI'S STUFFED CAT SKITTY!!  
  
*holds up crème colored cat, complete with pink nose and green eyes. and pajamas*  
  
Duo:: You know, you'd think someone his age wouldn't sleep with a stuffed cat. Specially one named Skitty. I guess it's kind of cute. Eh. Now, remember the last episode, where we investigated Heero. Remember how he walked into Wufei's room and we learned of Skitty? Good.  
  
*drops Skitty on ground*  
  
Duo:: On to our program!  
  
/cuts to image of kitchen during breakfast/  
  
*everyone is eating and talking*  
  
Quatre:: Maybe we should get a pet.  
  
Hilde:: Like what? NO DUCKS DUO!!  
  
Duo:: Damn! I always wanted a duck.  
  
Heero:: Hn. Why do we need a pet?  
  
Quatre:: Because their cute and fun and teach responsibility.  
  
Kairi:: Responsibility, what's that? Responsibility, not quite yet! Respon-  
  
Trowa:: Spare me, please.  
  
*Kairi claws at Trowas' hand; Duo argues with Hilde; Wufei attempts to sneak off*  
  
Noin:: Not so fast, Wufei. How about a dog?  
  
Kairi:: Mpmh MPMH mphs!  
  
*Trowa removes hand*  
  
Hilde:: A cat, and we can name it 'Tigger' like on Winnie the Pooh!  
  
Sally Po:: Heero are you choking?  
  
Heero:: No, I'm laughing. sheesh.  
  
Duo:: Why can't I have a duck?? I don't see why not! It can live in the basement, it's always wet anyway!  
  
Kairi:: I REFUSE TO CLEAN UP BIRD SHIT SO FORGET IT! Plus it's MY house so I get to decide.  
  
Hilde:: Let's get cats! Lots and lots of cats!  
  
Kairi:: I had a dog and a fish and a cat and frog and a rabbit and a guinea pig once.  
  
Trowa:: At the same time?!  
  
Kairi:: No, sheesh, I had them in this order: cat, fish, dog, frog, rabbit, and guinea pig.  
  
Quatre:: Okay good. I like rabbits, they're really soft and fuzzy and cuddly and-  
  
Wufei:: Who killed grammar?  
  
Hilde:: Shh. Can't we get a cat and a rabbit? I heard they can get along.  
  
Trowa:: Yeah, until you leave the room. Maybe we should get a dog. They're soft and fuzzy and loyal.  
  
*Heero pokes Quatre*  
  
Kairi:: I 'member Pokey. she was sooo cute. Then she got beat up by a squirrel and bled to death.  
  
*pokes Quatre harder*  
  
Duo:: Lovely image at BREAKFAST! I vote for dog.  
  
*tugs on Quatre's shirt*  
  
Hilde:: Fine. Ger.  
  
*yanks Quatre out of chair*  
  
Quatre:: WHAT HEERO??  
  
Heero:: No dogs. I'm uh, allergic..  
  
Trowa:: Damn. So, cat?  
  
Hilde:: YES!! CAT!! Thanks Heero!  
  
*Heero and Hilde get into a glaring match*  
  
Kairi:: Then cat it is!  
  
/Duo's bedroom/  
  
Duo:: And that, my friends, is how Pupie, Sevil, and Kat came into existence. I got to name Sevil, he's my cat.. Now about the cat.  
  
*pets large black cat which runs underneath bed; footsteps heard*  
  
Hilde:: DUO!!  
  
*hides behind chair*  
  
Hilde:: Wufei said he's gonna kill me for going in his desk!!  
  
Duo:: Really now? That's nice, cept I'm doing something important here and unless you want to help me blackmail Wufei, leave now.  
  
Hilde:: I'm in. What's with the camera?  
  
*picks up Sevil*  
  
Duo:: Wufei sleeps with a stuffed cat and I'm trying to find out enough to blackmail him so I can get my laptop back.  
  
Hilde:: There was a notebook in his drawer, along with a bunch of other books and stuff. We should raid it, but only if we can't get the truth out of him with this.  
  
*holds up small vial*  
  
Duo:: Umm, may I ask what that is?  
  
Hilde:: Truth serum I took from Kairi who got it from Hot Brad who bought it off Nick from Japanese class who made it I believe.  
  
Duo:: Does it work?  
  
Hilde:: We shall find out.  
  
/kitchen during lunch/  
  
*Hilde winks at Duo, Duo nods, Hilde pulls out vial*  
  
Duo:: Hey Woofers, did Kairi tell you about what happened at school yesterday?  
  
Wufei:: No.. Hey-  
  
Kairi:: -Well, some kid thought it would be funny to run a pair of small, blue pajamas up the flag pole in the parking lot yesterday. And you know what else? They had a giant flag under it, and it read 'Wufei Has A Small-' and you know what else?  
  
*Wufei blushes, then glares at Duo; Hilde slips contents of vial into his drink*  
  
Wufei:: What?  
  
Kairi:: Hot Brad says you should get it enlarged if your gonna let people take pictures of it.  
  
*Wufei gasps; Hilde snickers; Duo and Kairi crack up, Kairi waves pictures around*  
  
Wufei:: DUO!!! KAIRI!!!  
  
*Duo shrugs; Wufei glares and takes sip of water*  
  
Wufei:: I'd watch my back if I were you, Duo.  
  
Duo:: Yeah, and I'd scrub my butt more often if I were you..  
  
*Wufei takes sip of water, gets up and leaves; Hilde and Duo share a glance*  
  
Heero:: Twenty bucks says he's getting his katana.  
  
*all throw money onto table*  
  
/shot of Wufei in his room/  
  
*is polishing sword and plotting to self; whispers*  
  
Hilde:: 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.0!  
  
*Wufei gasps, clutches head, falls over*  
  
Duo:: Did, we kill him?? How much did you put in his glass?  
  
Hilde:: I think that's supposed to happen, look he's fine.  
  
*they watch as Wufei sits up, blinks confusedly*  
  
Wufei:: Mmmhmmmm.  
  
Duo:: C'mon. Hey, what's your name?  
  
Wufei:: Chang Wufei. ei.  
  
Hilde:: If I didn't know better I'd say he's stoned. But I do so ask him already.  
  
Duo:: So what's with the stuffed cat?  
  
Wufei:: Skitty.ty. Names 'kitty. ty.  
  
Hilde:: No, drunk.  
  
Duo:: I don't think we're gonna get a straight answer from him. So, on to plan X. Into Wufei's room we go..  
  
*sighs*  
  
Hilde:: You make it sound like it's gonna kill us or something. I've been in there, it's not that bad.  
  
Duo:: Hello, going in there is a reason to kill us according to Wufei. If he knew all the times it wasn't me that messed with his stuff. you go in there once and you're labeled for life.  
  
*Wufei hiccups and falls over; they leave*  
  
/cut to scene of Wufei's room in the dark/  
  
*snoring can be heard; Hilde takes up post near Wufei*  
  
[If you look closely, you can just see Skittys' tail sticking out under the covers. Now I bet you're wondering how we're going to get this out of Wufei, aka. Mr. Justice Pants. We may very well have an accurate time to pinpoint the birth of Skitty.]  
  
*Duo walks into shot, sneaking towards desk drawer; slowly opens and pulls out beat up notebook; whispers*  
  
Duo:: PAY DIRT!  
  
*Hilde glances towards sleeping Wufei; reaches into pocket and pulls out pink lipstick; begins to draw all over Wufeis' face; finishes and they leave*  
  
/cut to scene in Duo's bedroom at computer table/  
  
Duo:: Yup, here it is, in all its justice-full wonder.  
  
*holds up blue notebook*  
  
Duo:: Let's see, since we've already pre-read this-believe me it's good stuff-I present to you, the 20th entry of Wufei's Journal!  
  
*reads entry*  
  
April 3, A.C. 194  
  
Some kid gave this to me today, a little girl; a stuffed cat, of all things. How weak. The stupid thing is crème colored and has green eyes. She told me her name was Mai and the cat's name is supposed to be 'Skitty'. Mai looked just like Meiran only younger, about 8-ish. Dumb cat, I should throw it away, but it reminds me of her. Maybe I'll just keep it.  
  
*end of entry*  
  
Hmm. Some kid named Mai gave the cat to him 4 years ago? Weird.  
  
*shrugs*  
  
Duo:: At least we know he didn't come up with that name, I think I woulda died of laughter. And since its midnight and Heero's in the next room, that's not a good idea. Time to go photocopy this and swap it.. Oh and by the way? The whole 'Wufei on the flagpole' thing was totally Kairi's idea, coincidental. I assure you. Sometimes I think she likes to annoy him more than I do. But that's only when she's not shining laser pointers at subs or getting shoes thrown at her.  
  
And, just like in the last episode, YOU get to choose who appears next. Yes you, the reader/watcher/reviewer/person-typeness. Your choices are:  
  
Trowa  
  
Quatre  
  
Kairi  
  
Hilde  
  
See you next time!  
  
/image fades to black/  
  
  
  
Ah, yes. Another wonderful sugar/caffeine-induced fan fiction. I swear, if I could spell I'd do this more often. Oh, and in response to some questions:  
  
Pete is, well, it's complicated. He's Kairi's friend and they pretend to go out. He's also hyperactive and in all of her classes. You can only imagine the havoc wreaked by those two.  
  
The deer with Duo's Nikes? Hmm, to explain this now, or make it into another story. Maybe after I finish this little mini-series inside of a series of randomness.  
  
Time to end this, I have to go with my dad to buy me shoes with wheels in them so I can for fill my dream of skating around school. Plus there was a fight today and I have to tell everyone about it.  
  
Wufei: If you have any pity for me at all, send donations to Save the Woofer fund. Please, only you can save Wufei from HER! *points at authoress*  
  
If you refer back to my fic "The Oreos" Wufei, you will realize that I am in control of everything. I will not take rude comments from you! 


End file.
